IRISH businessman Denis O’Brien was sentenced to twenty years in Portlaois prison today in a parallel universe for bribing Fine Gael politician Michael Lowry, enabling him to acquire a mobile phone licence in 1995.

This particular parallel universe operates much the same as the one lived in by Ireland today, only the Director of Public Prosecutions more stridently pursues white collar crime and encourages the investigation of conclusions originally made in the Moriarty tribunal while fully backed by a parallel Government. Parallel parking is completely different too.

Mr. Justice Patrick J. McCarthy found Mr. O’Brien guilty of making two payments to Lowry in 1996 and 1999 totalling IR£500,000 and supported a loan of GB£420,000 given to Lowry in 1999 in exchange for imparting substantive information to O’Brien which was “of significant value and assistance to him in securing the licence”.

“This happened twenty years ago and I have no idea how you have not been charged with bribery already, considering the Moriarty tribunal found you guilty,” Judge McCarthy addressed the defendant, handing down the sentence. “If I could give you more time I would. I’m sentencing you to the maximum twenty years in Portloais prison and stripping you of any financial earnings you’ve made from the illegal acquirement of Digifine; which currently stands at 6.7 billion euros.”

Denis O’Brien’s solicitor William Fry pleaded with the judge for leniency, pointing out his client’s ongoing humanitarian efforts in Haiti, where he funded the restoration of Haiti’s century-old Iron Market with his own money, and has built 50 primary and secondary schools in the last 18 months.

“I am aware of that, but by spending very little money on this (500k), he was awarded millions in U.S. taxpayer funds for its work in Haiti, which helped Digicel scoop up 80 percent of the Haitian mobile phone market, making it O’Brien’s most profitable network,” the judge responded, knowing full well he could say such a thing in a parallel universe.

“Hahahaha, you got us there,” responded Fry, who started packing away his files before leaving his client alone in the courtroom, adding. “Sorry Denis, the games up. I don’t think Bill or even Hillary can get you out of this one,” referring to his close ties to the Clinton foundation which scours the planet’s most disadvantaged areas for business opportunities .

The 57-year-old was then handcuffed and led away by prison officers from the docks to a loud and triumphant cheer from a congregation of journalists and spectators.

“Tell Fine Gael I want my donation money back,” O’Brien shouted in desperation, before being loaded onto a parallel universe prison van.